If you would read my mind you would be in tears!

Actually I don’t know how to start this. I just wanna express myself to someone who doesn’t know me personally.
I’m drowning again in that sea of doubts and I feel like it has become an ocean… an ocean of doubts, so many questions with no answer. Who am I? Why do I exist? Why do we have to die? We do we have to be born if we will die in the end? What’s the point of living a miserable life ? Why the intelligent people have to suffer more? Why does the stupid ones are so much more happier and live longer? Where is the logic? This ocean of doubts it’s full of sharks named disappointments and I’m bleeding. My body is full of scars, I have fresh wounds so much deeper than the old ones and I wonder why. I just realized I’m weak, so weak. And confused.I wonder how much am I supposed to take to become stronger? I wonder if I ever will…
My worst enemy is me.
I love my family. My mom, my dad…everyone but I’ve been through a situation that maybe many of you will find yourself in it. My dad wanted to make me stronger… ever since I was a little kid. But he didn’t knew a thing. Not everyone is strong enough to endure coldness. I wasn’t. I needed my dad to show me appreciation,love. He didn’t. He never hugged me. He never told me “Congratulations”. I have never been daddy’s daughter. I don’t know what I have been. Maybe just a little kid, good for nothing walking around the house making trouble. Those are the only things I heard from him. “You’re not good enough”, ” You’re not able to do anything”, “You’ll become nothing”. I remember that once he,by him self bought me a toy.. We were in town, walking home, we went to a store and I saw a little toy and I told him and he bought it for me. Every time I’m looking at that toy I’m crying.I don’t know why, I just do…even now after 13 years.
And as you know, a disaster will never come alone. Because of this lack of father-love, I seek love in men. I’m so desperate that I’m willing to give everything I am, all of me …and men are men. They will fight for what they want,but if they receive it to easily they will quit. I’m guessing you caught the point. I give everything, they get it..they leave. Every single one. And no, I did not broke up with my boyfriend.  I don’t trust myself. I’m a mess. My mind is pure chaos.
I wanna believe that I’m more than my body. I honestly believe that I have a beautiful soul. I don’t believe in my body, I believe in my soul. My soul is worthy. I wanna find someone who can see this.
I don’t even know if I’m asking for too much. I realized that appreciation is so much expensive that any dress, shoe, watch, jewelry. Not many are that “rich” to buy it. From this point of view I’m proud to say I’m the richest one I know.
What would you do whenever you feel like running away from everything?
I wanna run. I wanna scream. I wanna cry till my tears drown out but I have not tears left.
I feel like everybody is expecting too much of me. Even when I do the right thing, it’s not enough. My work will always be followed by ” You can do better!” What If I can’t?
What am I? Why do I always wanna make everyone around me happy, everyone except me. Why do I always place myself on the last place? I don’t know what selfish means. I don’t know how to say “No” when someone is asking for my help. I can not draw anymore. I feel bad at it. I feel like I’m not doing it right. I feel like every single line I draw is wrong, misplaced. I can not let my thoughts out of my head anymore. I’m overthinking and it’s eating me alive.
I know that this may seem stupid for many of you. I admit that many people go through tougher things than this but here’s something. The most dangerous wounds are those that the eye can not see! It’s a mix of weakness, no self confidence, too many disappointments and not knowing what to do. Believe me, I think that even the worst enemies don’t deserve this.I have one life, I’m lost and time is ticking.

Despite it all, you’ll always see me smiling!

28 thoughts on “If you would read my mind you would be in tears!

  1. This not stupid, period. It is more common this time of year to get overwhelmed with a multitude of emotions. At this point, you need to give yourself permission of be confused by your own lack of self-confidence without attaching judgment to that. Then go from there. You need to have a base, a foundation from which you can start to build yourself up again. Your base is acknowledging that you feel too much pressure and that you do not feel appreciated for who you really are.

  2. You were born for a reason Laura! You are not a mistake. I am sorry for the past you have been through, not being able to get the love you deserved from your father and being used by the men who were supposed to be protecting you! Things will get better for you. Winters always end no matter how bad it is……

    Rolain

  3. That space where it seems every artist finds their self in at some point. I’ve been there a few times, and I had a father who I didn’t know growing up.

    Getting out of this mindset is hard, but not impossible. Keep your head up, your struggles are honorable. Yet you can’t let them knock you down and keep you there.

    Even with all the pain you have been through, and what your currently feeling. Do know you deserve better, and in due time you will recieve it. When it does you will come out a stronger person, shining bright just like you should.

  4. I’ve been at what seemed the end of the world. I was deep in despair and depression. I had been harmed by others and by circumstances of life. I finally realized I had the power within me to be happy. I was able to dig myself out of the hole I had been in. But it took a lot of work on my part. I also had counseling. I know this may sound trite and stupid, but I changed how I looked at life. I worked, hard, at being positive. I said affirmations, I sang songs that were Happy Songs. I did whatever was necessary to get myself out of where I was. You can do it to. I totally support you. Keep that smile, only make it all yours, made by you. If I could ever help, let me know.

  5. This is not stupid and it IS worthy of sharing.
    Things will get better if you believe they will and take steps in the right direction. The right direction is the one your heart is pointed towards and only you will know how or when to take those steps.
    You deserve everything you know you do, including someone who recognizes all the beauty in your soul and you will eventually find that person, but until then, focus on yourself, give yourself much needed TLC and you’ll be amazed about how everything else folds out.

  6. Laura,

    You are not lost. Here’s what you must do. Now. Take down those symbols of evil and death immediately from your site. If do not have a bible, get one. Read Psalm 32. Over and over again. Ask God to guide you. Develop an attitude of prayer. If you do these simple things all will be well with you the moment you decide that you wan to be ok.

    Herman >

  7. I can’t figure it out either. I relate about your father – mine used to tell me I’d never amount to anything but dirt over and over. He died of cancer after I left home, I told him I never wanted to see him again – cussing and everything. All’s I can say is I don’t really think anyone’s got it figured out actually. How could they? We’re all in the same boat with all the same answers? No matter how a person convinces themselves or is convinced by whatever outside themselves, books, religions, whatever. When it comes down to it – when you start really asking the hard, super honest questions like – “no really? what’s the point?” at least with me – it really all doesn’t make any sense, and is depressing. I wish I had some kind of better words, except – no matter what, as long as you wait it out – things will change, feelings, everything. It’s inevitable – law of the whole universe = balance. So if you’re feeling horrible it just means you’re getting it over with so you can feel better later. Because that’s how everything works, it’s all balance. Maybe you’re growing or something inside yourself? So it’s overwhelming, but it’s really a sign of pushing new boundaries, breaking down old walls instead of staying in the same place. It’s a bummer about parents not loving their kids like they should, but what else can you do but just accept that for whatever reason, they’re unable? Accept that it’s them, not you?

    Well, I think we’re all in the same boat so “welcome to the party” 😛 How weird is it being alive, eh? Sometimes it helps to just say fuck it and distract yourself with stuff like movies, etc. It helps me, force myself to think about other stuff with some type of distraction – cause I can’t think of anything helpful in any kind of way anyway. Take a break and come back to it later. As far as self-love goes, “and” not being selfish – it’s better to be honest with others and tell them the truth I’ve found in my own life – what they don’t want to hear instead of what they do and sacrificing yourself because maybe they want to know you? so if you’re not honest then you’re cheating both of you and them out of the gift of who you are. Then just having to be honest later because you never felt ok about something and didn’t tell somebody else doesn’t help either. Better to just do it to begin with, it takes practice though to get better at it, not easy.

    Nobody’s perfect, everyone’s got their equal problems of whatever versions we all have that none of us like. You’re in good company, seriously – everybody’s messed up in one way or another – *shrugs* 🙂 Hang in there!

    Maybe also part of it is that you feel it a bit more intensely somehow than most people, that’s why you’re an artist – it’s what makes you an artist, and gives you the ability to paint your emotions out. Certainly it can be a burden sometimes, but it’s a gift too – not everyone has it. Even the best artists I believe have all thought their own work was trash. It can be hard to see the beauty of something when you’re so close to it, unlike others who are further away. We’re all right there with you really, especially the artists of whatever versions. And the artists just say it for everybody else and it helps them, then they feel better. It’s a good job. 🙂 Anyway, thanks for being honest to allow me to do my good deed for the day and try to help somebody else instead of stewing in own crap, which I have plenty – so you gave me a gift, and everyone else. Thank you.

  8. Laura, I am praying for you. I understand your struggles, as I went through some dark times in the past. I pray that you will have peace and clarity of thought and that you will find freedom and joy. You are a precious daughter of the Most High God. That is the truth.
    Melanie

  9. Your post is very intense and honest post….

    We are conditioned to accept a multitude of perceptions…..which may or may not be true. Most of our limitations are self-induced through influences that begin in our childhood. As we evolve spiritually, we begin to see through the illusions. Human Beings do exist for a particular purpose, but we choose alternate paths that diminish out potential for realizing that purpose. I there really death? Or, is i simply a dimensional shift? Ultimately, we choose the influences that dominate our life. It’s a moment-to-moment process of recognizing how those influences infiltrate our thought process.

  10. Laura,
    Unfortunately, fathers do not always know how to love their children the way their children want or need to be loved, and the emotional havoc it can cause is terrible as you well know. I certainly can’t tell anyone how to believe in oneself or recapture those things lost in one’s childhood. I can relate, as my father never showed me much love, and even worse, he put other people and activities before his family. As a father, I can’t say I was any better at times for giving the love and affection my daughter probably needed, but we are still close, so I don’t think all was bad, but then I can be totally clueless when it comes to being a dad.

    From what I’ve seen on your blog, you are a very talented and beautiful young woman, and you really have a lot to offer the world. I found it interesting that you find the need to help other people and putting yourself last as a negative trait. I believe it is a very positive trait, as long as you have self confidence to balance out and check what you give of yourself. As you are at a point that I call “everything sucks”, you don’t believe you have self confidence and you don’t see much of anything else positive about yourself. I get to the point that I feel like “everything sucks” quite often, but when I start feeling my self confidence starting to slide, I think about all the things I’ve accomplished, and all the people I have helped, and I realize that I couldn’t have done any of it without self confidence. I look at the art you produce, and you couldn’t do it without self confidence in your ability as an artist.

    There comes a point when you have to say “No!” to other people, and simply do what you want to do and need to do for yourself. I always feel guilty when I have to say “No!”, but I have learned over the years to just deal with the guilt — I have to say it became easier to deal with the guilt of telling people “no” after battling cancer. I used to work 60 to 70 hours a week at the office, plus I did various volunteer activities. I couldn’t say no to people, but then I ended up paying a very high price — even though I have so far won the battle against cancer, I am nowhere near recovered from what the treatments took out of me physically.

    As far as men go, I’ve read and heard over and over that women tend to be attracted to men who are like their fathers, good or bad. How one breaks that trend, I don’t know. While there are men who seek to hurt women both physically and emotionally, I believe most men are just simply clods when it comes to women and their feelings, and we are often pretty clueless about the emotional wreckage we can create.

  11. Laura, I can understand what you say and it is not stupid at all. On the contrary, you raise so many precious philosophical questions. Thank you so much for sharing. I love your works; I believe that you are talented and I know that you will be able to pull through the situation. We all have those kinds of moment and we will be able to fight on.

  12. I once was lost but now I am found, I was blind but now I see. All due to His Amazing Grace! We have all been there. Key is not to dwell there. Pray you will know how valuable you are and that God has a plan and purpose for you. When we are weak He is strong! Blessings

  13. I’ve often admired how you choose every one of your words deliberately. Something many writers need to learn from. I am a writer and freelance editor but I never feel like changing any of your words, even though you are a painter and your English is not technically correct most of the time! I love reading your writing more than looking at your pictures and I thank you for sharing both! I look forward to every word from you.

    And in answer to every one of your questions : you are a woman. And, as an artist, probably a bit of a manic depressive too! So fortunate. Some people are just dull and pretentious. They don’t believe in your fairyland, but you live there and you know it’s real, and you are the one that has to live with the good and the bad, while others only want the good from you. Hold on to your inner homeland, it’s your best possession. No one can steal it anyway because they don’t understand it. But they can try. They are attracted to it but they don’t know what to do with it when they come close to it. So you feel disappointed not to be able to share it with them. Try to let them love you anyway. It’s not their fault, or yours.

    It’s not how long the body lives but how long the soul lives that counts. Some people have only their bodies left. Be careful of those ones!

    S.

  14. Thanks very much for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly and honestly. I think I’ve been in most or all of those thought / feeling places, or variations thereof, and I experienced some similar circumstances in my family of origin.
    I hope you can love and accept yourself exactly as you are right now, including everything you’ve expressed in your post — even the self-condemnation. Such unconditional self-love and -acceptance can be a good starting point for positive change.

  15. It is your pure artist’s soul that you recognize within you that will answer all of your questions. Death and the dark moments of life are as much a part of our spiritual growth as the wondrous light we seek. The source of your light is that spirit within you that shines through your drawings and art and in the kind things that you do and say for others as well as yourself. Listen to your heart and nourish your soul and you will see that by seeking the light in your life you will find the answers you need. Our growth physically, mentally, and spiritually does not follow a schedule we set but it occurs on its own time. This causes us much stress at times. Give yourself the kindness of forgiveness and patience. Manage your expectations with the truth that all people will come to you with many faults of their own. Explore their strengths as you explore your own and protect against their weaknesses as you protect your own. One day you will become good friends with death and life. Your artistic soul will sing your life’s song with you as the lines on your drawing come as they will, perfectly tuned to your mind, your heart, and your free spirited soul. This melancholy will pass and you will see that the crucible you were forged in, that burns so fiercely, was tended by love. All you need to do is believe and it will be true enough. So smile, and seek the light.

    • Dear Laura, I read you whole writing today, I understand. It might be of little consolation to you but in my experience and from reading peoples life stories, I know that the highest ART is often born from the most desperate feelings, it is true. It is also possible to have your most profound insights about life when going through difficult times. I wish you blessings from the bottom of my heart.

  16. So there I am thinking, wow, an artist like S. Laura Artworks likes my art and I’m thrilled. So out there is another perspective of you, not from the life right around you,but from the life further out which interacts with you at a more distant level but which still has enormous respect for you and your creativity. I know how you feel. I have been there and done that with my own father. Always wanted his approval and never ever got it. It’s taken a lifetime to recognise that I am okay just the way I am, and so are you. But, like you, I allowed men to use me because I wanted male approval. Luckily I did find a man who thinks I’m the bees’ knees and who has loved me wholeheartedly for 37 years as I do him. But my lesson has been that I need to be me, not to live up to anyone else’s expectations except what feeds my soul and my heart. I wish you the same. Don’t judge yourself by your father, other men or other people. LIsten to what has mean for you and live that life which is the truth of your soul and your heart. It doesn’t drop in your lap overnight, it’s damned hard work. But hang in there, listen to what you value and what you feel is right, respect yourself and be in awe of the wonderful creativity you are expressing. Much love to you and huge cyber-hugs.

  17. It sounds like you need a community of fellow artists and/or selfless souls to live. You have the intimate relationship, which helps tremendously, but can only help so much as a foundation. For it is also essential — nay, crucial – just as in any other trade, for an artist to live in a city or town that makes him/her feel truly happy; to associate and evolve among people with whom you could comfortably identify and vice-versa.

    It’s basic math, when you think about it, 🙂 as this dual level of support, then, naturally, helps significantly alleviate these here spiritual manifestations of tremendous doubt and anxiety.

    Such cities and towns exist. We live in an interconnected world. Start surfing the web, wisely.

  18. These are things I too struggle with. it’s not easy pressing on. no matter how alone you feel there are people around you. I had a rough parental relationship where my mom left and it was me and my dad and I’ve had trust issues with women since, yet I want every woman to want and love me. it’s hard to shake those old scars and it really makes life like, existential. I dunno. I saw your other post and in glad you’re starting to feel better.

  19. Hello, I saw your thank you and then read this message – while you’ve already received such wonderful support, I just wanted to add how brave I think you are… I think it takes so much courage to talk about what you did; to admit your emptiness, where it comes from – even to know what it is that has caused it, is hard. People don’t like to look at themselves, inspect too closely. It isn’t easy to admit where we are lacking, what we could do better, or where we aren’t whole – it makes us afraid, and feel bad. But it’s so important to do this. To be able to see those things and admit them, often accept them as a part of who we are. Only when they are causing us to lose ourselves more, and keep us from moving forward, or attract things and people in our lives which are not good for us, is when accepting it is no longer okay. We have to deal with those difficult truths, in order to create something better for ourselves. That being said, I feel like you should feel very good about recognizing those things, despite how sad and lost you may feel – you are strong and it is a very mature, humble and intelligent person who can be brave enough to see the things that cause them struggles, accept some responsibility knowing what they are, for how their life goes forward, and reaches out when they know they need help. You’ve done all those things. Somewhere inside all that lost you know, you need to love yourself first. You did good… so you’re not entirely lost and have so much support. I think you’re inspiring, human and that is truly beautiful.

  20. I understand, I have been in this mind state many times in my life. I found little tricks to help me walk on. I am sure you will find yours as well. I lost my Dad to cancer at five years old. My mom went on to marry drunk perverts. I had to find my father within my heart ❤

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