Actually I don’t know how to start this. I just wanna express myself to someone who doesn’t know me personally.
I’m drowning again in that sea of doubts and I feel like it has become an ocean… an ocean of doubts, so many questions with no answer. Who am I? Why do I exist? Why do we have to die? We do we have to be born if we will die in the end? What’s the point of living a miserable life ? Why the intelligent people have to suffer more? Why does the stupid ones are so much more happier and live longer? Where is the logic? This ocean of doubts it’s full of sharks named disappointments and I’m bleeding. My body is full of scars, I have fresh wounds so much deeper than the old ones and I wonder why. I just realized I’m weak, so weak. And confused.I wonder how much am I supposed to take to become stronger? I wonder if I ever will…
My worst enemy is me.
I love my family. My mom, my dad…everyone but I’ve been through a situation that maybe many of you will find yourself in it. My dad wanted to make me stronger… ever since I was a little kid. But he didn’t knew a thing. Not everyone is strong enough to endure coldness. I wasn’t. I needed my dad to show me appreciation,love. He didn’t. He never hugged me. He never told me “Congratulations”. I have never been daddy’s daughter. I don’t know what I have been. Maybe just a little kid, good for nothing walking around the house making trouble. Those are the only things I heard from him. “You’re not good enough”, ” You’re not able to do anything”, “You’ll become nothing”. I remember that once he,by him self bought me a toy.. We were in town, walking home, we went to a store and I saw a little toy and I told him and he bought it for me. Every time I’m looking at that toy I’m crying.I don’t know why, I just do…even now after 13 years.
And as you know, a disaster will never come alone. Because of this lack of father-love, I seek love in men. I’m so desperate that I’m willing to give everything I am, all of me …and men are men. They will fight for what they want,but if they receive it to easily they will quit. I’m guessing you caught the point. I give everything, they get it..they leave. Every single one. And no, I did not broke up with my boyfriend. I don’t trust myself. I’m a mess. My mind is pure chaos.
I wanna believe that I’m more than my body. I honestly believe that I have a beautiful soul. I don’t believe in my body, I believe in my soul. My soul is worthy. I wanna find someone who can see this.
I don’t even know if I’m asking for too much. I realized that appreciation is so much expensive that any dress, shoe, watch, jewelry. Not many are that “rich” to buy it. From this point of view I’m proud to say I’m the richest one I know.
What would you do whenever you feel like running away from everything?
I wanna run. I wanna scream. I wanna cry till my tears drown out but I have not tears left.
I feel like everybody is expecting too much of me. Even when I do the right thing, it’s not enough. My work will always be followed by ” You can do better!” What If I can’t?
What am I? Why do I always wanna make everyone around me happy, everyone except me. Why do I always place myself on the last place? I don’t know what selfish means. I don’t know how to say “No” when someone is asking for my help. I can not draw anymore. I feel bad at it. I feel like I’m not doing it right. I feel like every single line I draw is wrong, misplaced. I can not let my thoughts out of my head anymore. I’m overthinking and it’s eating me alive.
I know that this may seem stupid for many of you. I admit that many people go through tougher things than this but here’s something. The most dangerous wounds are those that the eye can not see! It’s a mix of weakness, no self confidence, too many disappointments and not knowing what to do. Believe me, I think that even the worst enemies don’t deserve this.I have one life, I’m lost and time is ticking.
Despite it all, you’ll always see me smiling!